I thought to resurrect my public blog, but on another site. I deleted Blogger and am posting publicly on Multiply. However, I shall keep this site active and healthy.
As with most of my life I've learned to differentiate the public from the private sides of me. It's helpful in preserving my sanity. Over the course of many years I've found it necessary to have two faces, two sides. To most, I am the "bastion of wholesomeness," an example cited by parents of children who refuse to eat their vegetables... the one who always gets things right... the one who very rarely makes mistakes... an effective leader... almost inhuman... beautiful... always smiling... always succeeding... always strong.
Oh man... you couldn't be more wrong.
The ones closest to me know the reality... I have "foot in mouth" disease (it's not as bad as it has been though)... I've struggled with my weight... I know firsthand what "binge eating" is... I have the sleeping habits of a fruit bat... I can be a lemming, hardly a leader... I've dropped off the face of friendships without explanation... carried on romantic relationships that were clearly wrong for me (as in, made my relationship with my family suffer as a result)... I cry... scream... get angry and frustrated... I am vulnerable... insecure... weak... human. I show this face to very, very few people, only those with whom I feel safe.
Showbusiness being what it is is a business of "perception". The truth doesn't really matter, only a palatable, sellable version of it. Those of us who are participants in the dance know the steps by heart. Showing the public face is almost now second nature, a knee-jerk reflex. At a press conference... in front of an audience... doing an interview or a guesting on TV. We know which face to show, and which face to hide. We know full well that if the public knew the cold, hard truth, they wouldn't like us anymore... won't buy our records, watch our movies, come to our concerts. The perception must remain... we like being liked, and we also know what Joe and Jane Public like. I don't mind this... as long as I have the private face to balance the public one, I'm in my good place.
My best friends know the crinkle in my forehead... my alligator eyes... the furrow in my brow... the decibel level of my laughter... my orgasmic reactions to food... what type of alcohol I enjoy... what "mischief" means... my loves... my hates... my passions. The world at large needn't know these things... only those in my little world.
Happy 4th of July!