Saturday, May 31, 2008

I... am... hormonal.

I wrote the first entry on the plane, and the second one in Los Angeles, many hours after landing.  It's definitely time for me to get some sleep... the past few weeks have had me very tired.


I need to stop watching CSI.

For some strange reason, on the same day, AXN played a couple of episodes of this popular crime drama whose storylines centered on the accidental death of a small child: one infant and one toddler.

Yeah, both episodes kept me up practically all of last night, so much so that I had to visit Nicole as she slept.  She was in bed, snug as a bug in a rug, so they say… it was probably because I had to leave for LA today, meaning I had to leave her, but I just stayed there, staring at her for a few minutes… watching her peacefully sleep, her rhythmic breathing, the shifting around in bed… I smelled her skin, touched her hair… when I felt satisfied that she was safe and doing just fine, I headed back to my own bed.

I need to stop watching CSI.

Would I be the only mother here who gets attacks of paranoia after seeing stuff like that on TV?  Am I the only one who gets these visions of their kid floating face down in a swimming pool after reading about someone else’s child dying this way?  Am I the only one that gets these flashes of doom when I get an invitation from a friend who happens to have a swimming pool in their backyard, or a dog running around, or a steep staircase?

If nothing else, I can understand why my mother was as protective as she was… she may have gone overboard a little bit, but given that she lost her first child, I can comprehend that she would want to do everything in her power to make sure child #2 and #3 stayed alive and healthy, ready to live another day.

I do want my child to experience getting a few bumps and bruises.  It’s healthy and would only be good for her development into adulthood.  However, how do I figure out the difference between being watchful and being deliriously paranoid?  How do other parents figure out keeping a safety net out for their kids while allowing them to grow and play, without strangling them?  I do try to breathe easy when I travel without my baby, and trust that she’ll be okay without me for a few days… how strange, it was somewhat easier when she was, for the most part, stationary… now that she’s mobile and thus able to get into everything, how can I be assured that she’ll be okay, that when I walk into my house next week, she’ll be there with open arms and a loud “Mommy” for me?

Okay… maybe I need to chill out for a second… maybe I need to relax and get some perspective, and trust that her caretakers will have their eyes out for her… maybe I need some sleep.  One thing’s for sure…

I need to stop watching CSI.


There are times when I feel monumentally stupid and inadequate…

My daughter recently suffered bouts of allergies, with clusters of hives surfacing all over her body, and we were stumped as to its cause.  My pediatrician thought it was dust mites… so I instructed the yaya to clean her room.  We took out all the larger stuffed animals, changed the sheets and cleaned the air conditioner filter.  My mom came to visit since I was going to be leaving for Los Angeles at the end of the week… she stayed with the baby, and watched her as she was drinking her milk… the hives then appeared right after.  Turns out it was her milk that was giving her allergies.  Not the dairy per se, but the pre- and pro-biotics that were added to it.   F***.

It’s not so much the discovery that irks me, it’s the “if not for me, you wouldn’t have figured it out” speech she delivered.  That stayed with me through my day… I cried under my blanket on the plane.

I know that as a mother I’m going to find myself in “trial-and-error” mode, but I don’t want to feel like this… it’s hard enough already being Mommy without being made to feel like less of one.  I don’t (and won’t) have all the answers… some days it seems as though I’m feeling my way around in the dark, and when light finally shines through, it comes with something I didn’t really need to hear.

Yes, I’m hormonal.  So sue me.

Ugh… I’m tired, jetlagged… I need to sleep for a week, I think.

Oh yeah, the update: we're not giving her that s***** f****** milk brand anymore.  There.

Monday, May 26, 2008


The concerts are all over... no more rehearsals... no more stressing out... no more late nights memorizing scripts, blocking and lyrics... no more long commutes to the only available rehearsal studio in Metro Manila in the pouring rain...

So... all I have left to say is... MARAMING SALAMAT!!!

Thanks to Tito Freddie for his writing and direction... for a strong hand that made the learning curve for many of those involved get less steep... and I mean drastically so...

To Gerard for his brilliant arrangements and orchestrations, and for being at the helm of FILharmoniKA with a firm but gentle touch.  And for being the best baby brother a girl could ever ask for...

To Menchu, Chari, Analin, Raul, Robbie and Michael for their energies, talent and generosity... I shall never forget this...

To Aga Muhlach... just for being Aga Muhlach... funny, brilliant, and big-hearted.  I do intend to stay true to my word about us doing another film together.  I pray that it'll come true, without obstacles...

To Rajo Laurel... the gowns were so beautiful, and I felt like a princess in each one.  You were with me at the beginning of my journey, and I'm so happy you're here as well as it continues.  I am a big fan!

To Bobbit Jacinto... Mio Infante... John Batalla... all geniuses and masters in your respective fields... you were all so patient and wonderful, and did such incredibly beautiful work.  I hope to work with you all again.

To the crew... the wardrobe department... sound engineers... video engineers... teleprompter operators... just everyone in production... you were all excellent from start to end!  Thank you all!!!

And to each and every one of you that came to see the show... THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! 

Here's hoping for many more years!  Cheers!

Saturday, May 17, 2008

No, it isn't a cold...

... it's strep throat.  Both Nicole and I were diagnosed this morning.  So now we're both on antibiotics and plenty of rest, as well as drinking tons of water.  Nic does the water thing already so that's not an issue for her, but giving her medication is like being in the ring with The Rock.  Or John Cena.  Or Batista.  Although resistance is futile, her resistance of us is exhausting!  That kid is strong!

I have a week to get over this, but things should be fine in a few days.  I just have to take it easy vocally until Friday.  It does put a damper on rehearsals for me since I can't sing out for a while, but that's okay.  Better it happened now than later.  Or worse, Friday!

As I write this I'm looking outside the window at the trees swaying in the wind.  Looks like there's a storm brewing.  I hope the motorists that are on the road are exercising prudence and are being really careful.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Catching a cold

Actually, that title is wrong... I caught one already... Nicole got sick, which means that mommy also gets sick.  I'm actually happy that I'm feeling under the weather now than closer to the concert dates.

Speaking of the weather, why has the rainy season seemingly come down upon us in May?  Isn't it supposed to start in June?

I feel bad for a lot of young kids who were so looking forward to summers out of town, presumably where the sun would be shining... balmy days, sandy beaches... but instead, there's only rain.  A few of my friends went to Boracay hoping for a reprieve from the cloudy skies of Manila, but instead got more of the same when they arrived.

Something is going wrong with our earth... and I'm hoping it isn't beyond repair.