Early this morning, I awoke to the sound of Nicole screaming... I sat upright, and found she wasn't there. I then crawled to the foot of the bed and found her on her back, wailing. She had fallen off the bed. I picked her up right away and tried to console her, and my mommy-instinct then told me to take her to the hospital, just to see if everything was all right. While the yaya dressed her, I got ready in a rush, and carrying her in my arms (and holding on to her the whole way, the safety of the car seat be damned) took her to Asian Hospital's emergency room.
On the way, she cried, my mother, seated beside me crying along with her. (Just so you know, my mother panics enough for an entire barangay.) Nic threw up once, which sent my insides imploding. I was fighting to remain calm, as my going crazy wasn't going to help the situation. I needed to focus... on Nicole... next on the doctor's instructions... and then on how to treat her, if needed.
Once we arrived, I gave her details to the nurse that ushered us into the ER, and then we waited for the doctor. To amuse the little one, I played with the X-Ray lights, turning them off and on. After only a few minutes, the doctor -- a very calm gentleman -- came in and examined her. The diagnosis? She was just fine. There were no signs of external injury or neurological damage. We were told to observe her for the next 24-48 hours, just to make sure all is well. As of this afternoon, she was laughing and playing, like nothing happened.
What gripped me the most was the guilt... the guilt that I had made the wrong decision by having her sleep next to me in bed (which I have done for weeks without incident). I was in the car holding her and praying, hoping that she'd be all right. I cried and cried, beating myself up, telling myself that this was my fault. After a short nap I called Nic's pediatrician, and he said not to worry. A fall from over a height of 4 feet would cause a result, not a fall from a bed.
Right now I'm feeling relief that she's fine and seemingly back to her old self, while at the same time am cautious about the future. I know that there are more falls in store for her... homework... pesky classmates... boyfriends... and the like... I hated seeing her cry. I know that I always will.
Yes. It's official. I AM A MOMMY.