Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

I saw this on a friend's blog... I thought to post it here this early, many years before my own daughter begins dating. 

And just so you know... I'm great with a gun.

(Yes, those of you who are interested may make copies and/or post this on your blogs.)

-----------------------------

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor. 

NAME   _____________________________   DATE OF BIRTH   ____________

HEIGHT ________ WEIGHT _________ IQ __________ GPA _________

SOCIAL SECURITY #______________  DRIVERS LICENSE #____________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_____________________________________________________ 

CITY/STATE ____________________________  ZIP______  

Do you have parents?                     ___Yes  ___No
Is one male and the other female?     ___Yes  ___No
If No, explain: _______________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________ 

Number of years they have been married _________________________________

If less than your age, explain:
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van?                      __Yes  __No

B. A truck with oversized tires?                                   __Yes  __No

C. A waterbed?                                                           __Yes  __No  

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back?                      __Yes  __No

E. A tattoo?                                                                __Yes  __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,                            __Yes  __No 
  pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? 

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY.  I SUGGEST RUNNING.) 



ESSAY SECTION:  


In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you? 
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER'  mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:


Church you attend ___________________________________________________  

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

      father? ____________

      mother? ___________

      pastor? ____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION: 


Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

____________________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

____________________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

____________________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

____________________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?

____________________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

____________________________________________________________________

G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________________


I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND
HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

__________________________________________________________________ 
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________      ________________________________
Mother's Signature                                            Father's Signature 

_______________________________      ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/ Rabbi                                          State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).  If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might want to watch your back). 


To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating.


Daddy's Rules for Dating
 
Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're surely not picking anything up.  

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.  

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'  

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. 

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? 

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing or holding hands. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.  

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.  

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

95 comments:

Flip Corpus said...

hahahaha =) grabe, ang aga ha =)

Ann Tolentino said...

Hahaha this is funny. I have a boy so I should brief him on this application form hahahahaha

Roy del Valle said...

hahahaha... this is great! It made my day... ok lang to post early, 6 years ang processing time. I especially like the Daddy's Rules for Dating. I hope it's okay to post this as a link. All the parents I know would love a copy - for reference = )

Charmaine * said...

Waterbed? Haha that was funny. Having a daughter makes life very different for us. I like this and will keep a copy....seriously.

Jocelyn Drapiza said...

Ha.Ha.ha..I love this rules...

Jocelyn Drapiza said...

Ha.Ha.ha..I love this rules...

ARIEL REONAL said...

This is cool!

Cathy Babao Guballa said...

i love this! can i borrow and post in my blog too? considering my daughter is going to her very first prom in three weeks. tamang-tama! thanks for sharing lea :)

Jag Garcia said...

this is hilarious! (albeit dated and middle american... choppers over hanoi? hahahahahaha)

mind if i steal and cross-blog? thanks!

@roy: ako kaya? i've already decided to allow soleil to date pag mga 30 na siya... if she's lucky

arkitekfhc . said...

Hilarious! I think the mom and dad intend to implement some or most of the items above come Nic's teenage years.

adela david said...

this is cool! can i also borrow ms. lea. tnx

Lorie Vaflor said...

"Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing." - hahaha,, funny! :))

Paolo Dy said...

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!

Mylene Lava said...

HAHAHA! totally funny...I guess my boys had better start learning the rules by heart.

Edmundo Lee said...

OMG. Haha. I'm sure those who will be dating your daughter don't have Multiply accounts yet... so, this will have to be posted again 13 years later!

Anyway, magandang hapon!

Mylene Lava said...

HAHAHA! totally funny....I guess my boys had better learn the rules by heart.

Brad Patterson said...

Oh, that is just WAY too funny! [Oops...I forgot...you're quite serious!] :<)

Now about this Hillary Clinton Kiss Torture thing....

melany grecia-viajante said...

hi, Ms. Leah! This is so funny. Mind if i also grab this one and re-post it on my blog? Thanks for sharing! :)

Chari Arespacochaga said...

I LOVE IT

Giselle Tongi said...

hey Lea--coz I have a daughter too I seriously will consider giving this to whom ever she starts to date in the next 12 year. Do you mind sending me the link? or can I just copy it from your page?IM SERIOUS...Thanks though..was very funny :)

Giselle Tongi said...

I am seriously considering giving this the the guys my daughter will be dating in the next 14 years. (SHes two now!) Can you send me the link or can I just copy it to my facebook?

Dzie Ruiz said...

Ms. lea kakalurkey toh... ;)

Girlie Rodis said...

I love it--I think I will send it to my siblings who have daughters hahahahaha

Michael and Julie :) said...

Hahahaha! This is so funny! Permission to copy, please! So I can print it and start handing them out already, hahaha! The thing is, I thing I will pre-fill most of the applications already. Us parents have high standard you know, hahaha!

I'm also good with a gun and a chainsaw!

tin samson said...

hahahaha, good job! :)

katrina sombito said...

hahaha...i wonder what is mommy ligaya's opinion on this. did rob get to fill up an application like this when he dated you :-)

Melanie Dujunco said...

gleng! Pa-grab also.. will send this to my sisters and brother.. and friends who have daughtrs! wahahahah Gracias! :-D

dianneLouise ♥ said...

Oh my, Poor Boys! lol

dianneLouise ♥ said...

Oh my, Boys, Back Off! lol

Nora Cruz said...

Hi Lea,

I have a 6yrs old daughter, I think I should have this application also, just incase ha - too funny :)

C. L. said...

Ok, I have a daughter, she's only six but I will print copies for her future suitors. Thanks for this, Ms. Lea. ;).

Luzimperial -Harvey said...

Tumambling ako! ang Tarush nito!

Abi Simon said...

you better post this one too on our yahoo groups for their little girls :) har har har

JANE AREJOLA said...

Lea, can i copy this? Yup! I have a 9 year old daughter :)...and few years from now, she'll be having her suitors for sure...Oh no!!! and wag ka, marunong din ako sa baril. he he he!!! Thanks for posting:)

ann reyes said...

Love this...!!! Can i copy this Ms. Lea? I have 2 girls ages 10 and 6 ,might as well be ready...Thanks.!

Lanni Kendall said...

My daughter is 9 yrs. old and will be 10 in 3 months. I had the application forwarded to me yesterday in e-mail, but I had not seen the Dad Rules. Those are great!

Christianne Uy-Sandstig said...

Hilarious! I can relate to you and everyone else who left comments. My daughter just turned two and my husband's already planning to take shooting lessons...

agnes del rosario-cortez said...

i reallly enjoyed reading the article!!! thanks heaps, lea! my only daughter just turned seven late last year and with your permission i'd like to copy this for future use hehehe...many thanks!

Toshi Koshimizu said...

Hi Ms. Lea! I love this blog entry! Can I copy this too? I have a 14 year old niece and is already attracted to the opposite sex. This will be a great help. Thanks! =)

Alexander Cohen said...

How often do you practice shooting? Where, if I may ask? And what are the gun laws like there?

Chinky Fuentes said...

Can I copy this, for future use? My husband and I are both good with guns and I can easily learn how to use the chainsaw :) I am praying for a daughter, this will come in handy. Makes the future seem easier for her, he he he.

Roy del Valle said...

Good luck Jag. I'm predicting your daughter will be intelligent, responsible and very independent. Baka may apo ka na at 30. Usap tayo in a couple of decades and let's see = )

Cesar & Achie Munar said...

took the liberty of copying this... i'll give it as a present to my husband to spare him from high blood pressure when he interviews prom date candidates for our daughter. good screening form! hahaha

Bon~Bon Quirog said...

oh my god!... Lea, you never cease to amaze me!... galeng mo manang... heheheH!...

mildred roques said...

hahahah!! its long way to go dont worry ms lea!! hmnn its just sounding same like ur MOM hahahah hello po!!

claire santos said...

this is cool... i have a 2 year old son.. i think i have to copy this so i can tell him how to get perimission to date a girl... hmm.. i think my little kid will fill this up when your Nicole and my Kyle are already 18.. hehehe :)

joahanna a said...

amusing..... can i keep a copy? thanks!(: oh. advance happy lunar new year! hahhaa

Michelle S said...

We totally had a great laugh this morning! It's never too early for preparation! Please allow us to copy this for future references, it will definitely come in handy =)

Nancy Ann Borja said...

"...great with a gun" *keels over and dies* XD

Urane laderas-cabantog said...

wow!!! hehehe,great mom, preparing for her daughter's future as early as now... marami na bang nag apply?? hehe

tess azu said...

wow! i'm getting a copy of this!!! for future use, too!

Ed Santiago said...

Whoa......what will a guy fill-out to marry your angel?

Very comprehensive though.....like it!

Ria Avelino said...

Hahahaha! Galeng! Can I also copy this I have a 4 yr old niece. She's the one in my avatar. I'd like to share this to her parents.

LinLin Unabia said...

hi, Lea! i hope you wouldn't mind if i copy and paste this on my site. it would be very useful in the future. hehehehe....i have a 6 year old daughter.

kamille sophia borromeo said...

i wanna copy this...if you allow me to

miyu matsudaira said...

i love it!!! hahaha... :3

ketlen ... said...

nyahahaha nice one!

Quey Dionisio said...

Wow! This is very interesting! Ay-lav-et! =)

Gerry Nepomuceno said...

This is a hoot! Hope you don't mind if I "steal" it and forward it to a few friends!

Lea Salonga said...

Go ahead and cross-post, copy or share!

Gina Balagon said...

thanks lea for this...

arlin dizon said...

on the accessories section, the caption "IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING" made me laugh real loud! and i can't help but imagine you, lea, standing in the middle of the door holding a gun ala manang biday! ha ha ha ha..

Robert Emile Zialcita said...

Finally!!! Something I can use for my two daughters. Beats having to dig a moat around the house and fill it with crocodiles. :) Suitors beware!!!

Jenny M said...

haha! real funny!

Bee Yachh said...

This is hilarious. Hahaha, I love it.

Shirley Mae Maghari said...

Hahahaha! This is great, Ms. Lea! I'll surely be using this along with attachments of TRO for disqualified applicants hehehe!

jhack telan said...

ohmygod! soooo brutally honest! but i think all parents should implement this as well... funny but scary at the same time....

Lynn Gutierrez said...

this is a great find! It is almost 1:30 in the morning and here I am roaring with laughter because of this entry (as opposed to the current entry ---> your random thoughts -- it was a nosebleed blog entry) hahahahaha...But this one is just GREAT! I'll give a copy to my students... you're so cool Ms. lea

Li'l Dove Feather said...

When I encountered this in one of my contacts' post, it became one of the reasons I deleted him from my list. Why? Because when someone commented on it, he made it look like he wrote the whole thing himself and that was how the thread of their conversation went. Had to bite my tongue--er, figure of speech, of course--to keep myself from reprimanding him. It's one thing to post something you didn't write, but it's another thing to claim it as yours! There was another contact who kept claiming she wrote this or that that has been circulating the web even for years! She's not a contact anymore and you can guess why. I think they're dangerous. You can write something and they can claim it as theirs. So better be more cautious.

Hannie Dayrit said...

This is amazing, May I copy this? I have a 7 year-old girl and I might as well post this application. I love the Daddy's Rules for Dating.

Vincent Paul Yao said...

Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No -- hahaha funny, i guess this question is almost a norm in the theatre life.

Rain Ramos said...

grabe itech!!! haha..

laurie rapadas said...

my parents should read this :) hope you won't mind me copying it..would like my contacts to read this too :) thanks :)

moana marie pagaduan said...

i have 2 more sisters ages 16 and 17, i would like to share this with them pati na sa mga friends who have a daughter...thanks for posting this Lea.

quincyanne mari tampo said...

the owner of this account is my sister and m freakin protective about her.. i think, il provide the guys with this form..hehe

Neil Ericson Tolentino said...

kakalokah! but i think i'll have this form printed out. got two daughters, don't want guys messing their lives in the future! Gracias Senyora Lea.

mountzion . said...

hahaha...so funny..

daryll villanueva said...

wahaha im gonna print this! and give it to my brother..i have 3 nieces :)

Leng, Kylie and Kerim Calvelo said...

LOL! ahahha! THANKS FOR THIS.. am copying this, permission pleaseeee.. =)

Rico del Rosario said...

Funniest thing I read today!

dimple condes said...

wahahahaha...superfunny...it shows how protective u r with ur daughter...:)

khristine weigle said...

this is so hilarious!!!

Ayrin Greyz said...

i love this! i'll definitely run a copy of this post and make sure to show it to my friend who worries too much about his little girls ... and perhaps keep a copy for my son - in case he gets interested in NIcole - ha!ha! i dig the Daddy Rules ...

bong banal said...

astig!

lily lily said...

aw dude! i need to save this for my future kids! By the time I actually have kids, I'll probably have an entire stack of forms for anyone who wants to be my kid's friend, or any sort of relationship with them >_<

Chachie Buencamino said...

hi lea! i really enjoy reading your blog. permission to repost this? i'll post a link to your blogsite too. thanks, God bless you and your family! Ü

zeyanna 30 said...

hahaha ang kulet! ganda nito :">

April Gonzales said...

haha grabe nakakatawa naman 'to..

adelyn more said...

hehehe... thanks ms. lea!... true... so true... God Bless!

mzvi dweny said...

:-D Ms. Lea, pakopya naman... Thanks!!!

kate lerman said...

pa grab po ng dating application. thanks po.

Aretha Angcao said...

laughed my head off. brilliant! can i post in my blog? :) thanks ms. lea.

Meldy Pelejo said...

brilliant! may i copy too? Thanks a mil! you're a real star!!!

Maria Chantilly Yutuc said...

hahahaha! hilarious! my parents won't care who i date. what they don't know won't hurt them, right? pero funny talaga to. gawin ko kaya sa totoong buhay? hahahaha!

dheng dumaraos said...

i just wish, my mom made one for me... :))