Many years ago I worked with a leading man in a production sometime in the mid 1990s. He was handsome and extremely talented. However, we had an incredible falling out during the run of the show due to his bad behavior and a tapestry of deception and lies that hurt a lot of people, yours truly included. There was a point when, at the height of all this, I refused to speak to him backstage; our only conversations and interactions took place on stage during the show. By the end of the run, all truths were revealed... a lot of hurt dished out... and that was that.
Fast forward to today. I received a note of apology from him... he's since cleaned up his act, is working in a hit show, has found a wonderful life partner and is busy doing charity work as well with underprivileged children. He wrote of how there were no excuses for his behavior during the production, and hoped that I would forgive him.
I conveniently forgot about him for a long time, but whenever I was reminded of those days past (thanks to many mutual friends and colleagues), a lot of those painful feelings would then rise up. It took me a long time to finally be able to say that I forgive him (I wrote him back to tell him so), but yeah. We'll hopefully find some time to actually catch up... I have a feeling that we'll revisit those painful times as well, but that's all right... if it happens, then it happens. No, I don't like what he did, but there's no point in living in the past. I won't forget what happened, but I can at least give him the benefit of the doubt and hope that he's learned from his mistakes. I have a feeling he has, which makes me happy.
The act of forgiveness isn't in forgetting past hurts, but in overcoming them.
Pain tends to leave an indelible mark on the heart... we can learn to bypass the scar, but it'll always be around. I know that I've meted out my share of pain to people that were at some point in my life very dear to me, and I can only hope and pray that this grace be given to me too. I cannot expect however... I can only hope.
Forgiveness requires two things: a sincere and heartfelt recitation of contrition and apology, and time. Especially time. I've found that it takes me a long time in order to truly process the hurt and find myself in the right state to forgive someone. I take it to be similar with everyone else, excepting that the time factor varies from person to person. For some it takes an instant... for others, almost a full lifetime.
No, I can't always excuse my own examples of less than ideal behavior... there are things that I have done that are worthy of a good old-fashioned cuss out by the wronged party... there are things I regret saying... there are things I regret doing... but I'd like to think that from those past misdeeds I've grown up, learned from my own mistakes and moved onward and upward. I can only hope that whoever I've wronged will give me the benefit of the doubt.
And if forgiveness never comes, that's fine too.
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45 comments:
well said lea..
i like this post. couldn't agree more.
So true. If we forget, we do not learn.
Thank you for your insight.
Very true, Manang. Time is a big factor in forgiving.
nicely put! belated happy birthday :-)
luv it. That's a nice belated birthday gift!
This is deep...!
I learned one thing in life that no matter what we've done, we're still gonna get sick, get old...and eventually gone. It's all part of life.
beautiful....just beautiful.
thanks Lea for this blog. It is a gentle reminder for us all.
I truly admire your wisdom.Thank you for sharing almost everything about you.I find this particular blog very interesting and it did touched my heart.Thanks again and God bless.
lovely!!! do i know this guy??? hmmmm....
This is simply the best blog I've ever read! By not only forgiving someone that really seems to deserve it, but also by admitting and recognizing that someone of your renown needs forgiveness is just humbling. So praise-worthy, so beautiful, so Christian. Truly, you're a deserved idol and role model!
You're right. Forgiveness is key. It's just really hard to forgive sometimes and let bygones be bygones especially when the person who made the mistake doesn't want to apologize -- then it's really tough. I have a question though. If forgiveness never comes... how is that fine..?
Some people simply weren't meant to be in each others lives. We have to make peace with that, I guess.
Even after I've forgiven another person, the friendship may not be the same as before. I might be guarded and cautious, initially, as we re-establish contact. How close I choose to continue being with that person depends on the individual. (I would keep my distance or rule out any contact at all if I am convinced that the person is a sociopath, or has ulterior motives). I would expect the other person to be guarded if I've hurt them deeply as well.
Your friend sounds sincere. It does take some guts to admit that he was wrong, and to extend a hand of peace by asking for your forgiveness. I hope all goes well with you both.
ganda na ng mga reply e. nanchismis ka pa. bwahahahaha.
i love this blog.
Great blog!
Kilala ni Chari... magkasama kami sa show na yun.
Not wanting to apologize is a weird one... if the person that wronged you doesn't feel that he or she did anything wrong and therefore feels no need to reach out and apologize, then there's nothing you can do, but forgive anyway.
He he he, oo nga...
Thanks, Sexy.
this is soooo true. thank you for this blog, it help me to continue to move on, not to mention helping me in the healing process of a one year old++ hurt.
Nice blog Lea.....
I would to share that forgiving someone i think is something you do for yourself simply because holding on to all the anger and resentment will end up sapping your emotional energy and keep you from feeling happy...It does'nt happen overnight...If I've forgiven someone, it's a more or less a realization that I need to do it for myself.
God Bless.:)
this is so true... so real... thanks for sharing .
mwahaha..patawa lang ba!!!
hindi naman nanchichismis...nakikichismis lang as i wasnt here when this falling out happened...mid 90's daw e...
In summary, much anger and disappointment that only time could heal. Yun na yun.
Si Raul talaga o! Tuloy, na-intriga din ako! It's not my nature.......anymore
great blog Sis. Magkaiba talaga tayo.....ako kasi mas nahihirapan magpatawad. I hold on to the fury and use it to write good string lines. BTW.....I know that guy too!
yeah, it can be tough to bury the hatchet, but forgiveness can set you free =) At least magaan ang feeling kesya kung sinumang tarantado 'yon...hehehe....let them carry the sama nang loob, diba?
hi manang... am just glad that you have unloaded and finally healed, it's not healthy carrying emotional baggage, well, i guess it really depends on the gravity of the offense di ba?? hay naku, di dapat pinapansin yang ganyang klase ng mga tao... there is more to life, tama na nga at masyadong sumisikat yang taong yan...mwahaha!!! i won't even try to uncover his identity anymore as it is no longer relevant... am so happy for you manang!!!
mwahahaha!!! how's the family Tars???
"kilala ni Chari...."
Yup, I knew it. And yes, I'm so glad that time has healed all that. Much to be happy about.
No one ever said it would be easy, but it isn't impossible. Minabuti na niya ang buhay niya, so natuto rin sa pagkakamali. And yeah, you reeeeeeeeally are your mother's son, in looks and personality -- si Tatang nga, ipinatawad kaya niya? Mukhang hindi mangyayari yun.
As for your own furies, I share maybe one or two of them with you... yung isa, p***** ina talaga, iniiyakan ko pa rin minsan, kahit sinasabi ko na ipinatawad ko na.
lea naman! did you have to blog about my email to you?
i'm sorry nga i farted during our scene!
haha jazz keeding! :-P
Very insightful, Lea! Thank you for this awesome blog. It's quite fun reading the ongoing thread with your friends....nakakaintriga tuloy, but never mind. All's well that ends well.
So it WAS you!!! I knew it, I knew it! Ha ha ha ha ha!
now i remember... that was during the breaking down of the house scene...no wonder we all ran out of the house!!! nyahahaha!!!
it's nice that he had the courage to acknowledge what he did was wrong and ask for your forgiveness :D not everybody can do that.
And I'm glad you can find it on your heart to forgive someone and give them another chance!
very nice! :) pwede ka talagang writer!
i don't believe in forgive and forget, because like you said, the scar will always be there. but in time, i've learned to forgive those who've hurt me.
and in one of the replies where you said "...if the person that wronged you doesn't feel that he or she did anything wrong and therefore feels no need to reach out and apologize, then there's nothing you can do, but forgive anyway" -- i agree. sometimes even if the person refuses to apologize or to see his/her mistake, you will just forgive him/her for yourself, for your own good. it helps to move on.
and about the guy, sorry can't help it. but if you said it was a show in the mid '90s and chari was part of it, then i teenk i know the show at least. was just curious which show it was kasi, hehehe.
di ba dapat private na lang 'to?
I agree... There would always be someone who is too numb to realized that what they did was wrong but in a way, nakakainis talaga kasi siya na nga yung nagkamali, siya pa yung may ganang mag-taas ng kilay. but as you said, there's nothing we can do but forgive and move on (and hopefully, God will tap and tell them, "Son, what you did was wrong."
Let me just butt in- and not just be a chronic lurker in this blog.
You used to be my idol.
Now you have my undying loyalty and love as well.
Ang galeng. You put into words how I exactly feel about a hurt or two.
Thank you so much for the blog that you posted.
It's the most enlightening piece of reading material I have read in a very long time.
Thanks for sharing this, Lea. =) Makes me admire you more. I'm presently going through the process of "bypassing the scar". Thanks, thanks.
"The act of forgiveness isn't in forgetting past hurts, but in overcoming them."
What a wonderful quotable quote! This is soooo true!
First I'm a big fan...second this entry answered my prayers today. God Bless
i was moved.
thank you. :)
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